Im happy but there is a heavy feeling of sadness in my heart that I just can't remove. Why am I like this?

For much of my adult life, I interpreted this sadness as something being wrong - with either myself or my life in general.

So if you are sad - like me - then be sad.

This interpretation lead me on a path of self improvement, to fix what I considered to be “wrong” with myself.

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But no matter what I read or practiced, I could never make the sadness budge for longer than a few fleeting moments - and even then, it was likely due to me being distracted from the sensation of sadness rather than anything actually shifting.

It’s impossible to overstate the freedom and peace I discovered, and I realized the only one who had been keeping those from me was… me and my imagined standards and expectations for how I had imagined I should be.

You are like me, then.

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What most people don’t know unless they’ve looked more closely is that there is also an element of deep, profound sadness that has always been with me since as long as I can remember.

It’s still here.

When I stopped trying to force myself to be something I am not, I gave myself the freedom of being who I am.

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It wasn’t until about 10 years ago that I finally fell out of that ferris wheel of trying and failing to fix myself.

Your job is not to be the manager of your life, but the one who discovers yourself fully.

Most people that know me would probably describe me as a social, happy, and somewhat quirky person with a twisted sense of humor.

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You are the masterpiece you came here to discover.

It’s the most beautiful and liberating thing in the world.

It’s difficult to put into words exactly what caused what, but to the best of my ability to describe it, I felt as if my will to keep fighting was beaten right out of me.

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I had run out of hope.

Without resistance, sadness has a sense of beauty and depth I cannot find otherwise in life.

So I finally threw my hands up and said something to the tune of “fuck it, since I can't seem to change, I’ll just be whatever I am then.”

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Needless to say, my failed attempts to fix my sadness simply brought me more pain and suffering.

And the sadness?

It’s here now, writing to you.

Ive been pretending to be okay and acting as normal as possible, but Im actually completely heartbroken after a recent breakup. Its painful and really affecting me, to the point where I cant concentrate at work, Ive lost my appetite, I cant sleep, and It feels as if my whole world has been turned upside down. I loved him so much. He said so many cruel things to me and it made me realize he must not have loved me the way I loved him, or he wouldnt have said such horrible things. How do I handle the heartbreak and why cant I accept that he didnt love me and just forget about him?

In the absence of a should, I was free to be as I am.

I was tired of trying and failing.

But unlike before, there is no more resistance to the sadness.

I committed the unpardonable sin. God immediately punished me so that I can no longer think like before and my brain is as if paralyzed and does not work. I've tried everything (confession, repentance, etc.) nothing helps. Any advice?

Now, this may sound like a story of failure and giving up, but it’s actually a story of liberation.

What I am trying to say is that when you stop trying to change yourself into something you are not, you give yourself the gift of discovering yourself as you already are.

I was tired of fighting.

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The sadness was still there.

Be who you already are.